I want to normalize something that has been on my heart. I’ve been pretty quiet about sharing the biggest challenge of my life. Just waiting for the right moment that would feel like it was time to be completely open and honest. When the pandemic hit in 2020, we simultaneously found out I was pregnant with Ellie Mae. The year that followed, as everyone knows, was a storm that nobody was prepared for. We all weathered our own storms through this and are just coming up on the other side of survival. So, I’m sharing my own survival story. In the days leading up to Ellie’s birth, Jeff and I both came down with Covid, and it ultimately caused a separation that I’ll never understand. Jeff was not able to be in the hospital the night Ellie was born because of the regulations at the time. Ellie was born via c-section, in a room of isolation gowns, N-95 masks and respirator hoods. I met her on the outside for the first time without her daddy. Such a bittersweet moment. Ellie’s Grandpa Marv, at 78 years old, bravely stepped in as my person because he would step into any situation with me. He would never have let me go through that alone. He never left Ellie’s or my side in the hospital during the entire postpartum stay. (Except for the time I demanded he go home to take a real nap and shower). He left for an hour and came back. We were able to leave the hospital with a beautiful, healthy, thriving baby girl who finally got to meet her dad 2 days after her birth. We had a beautiful Christmas with some of the sweetest memories. Jeff brought out the fancy camera he got for me as a Christmas gift several years before. The moments captured on that camera were so beautiful, capturing moments of pure joy in the faces of our family welcoming Ellie. In the months that followed, they also became the last moments of life as we knew it. The new year started with a hike in Washoe Valley. We packed Ellie along wrapped against my chest and witnessed a pack of wild horses running wild across the desert terrain. Life as a family of 5 was unfolding and our story was beginning. We were gifted a 90’s travel trailer by our family friends and Jeff and I started our first adventure in flipping anything. The months that followed feel like the lights went out. I started experiencing postpartum depression and anxiety that ultimately took me into the depths of a darkness our family had no experience with. It left us completely terrified, with a dim hope for the future. I didn’t feel like myself for months. I became isolated and didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to be here anymore, but I also didn’t want to leave my family. I wished that I could leave this earth and just be their mom from heaven. I had my entire family in despair and under a dark cloud that felt like it was there forever. Without knowing what else to do, I reached out for help. I saved my life alongside a team of therapists that stuck with me through the storm. I recently met my main therapist for coffee, and we cried over the celebration of joy and new life. She never gave up on me and was given the gift of seeing me through a time I couldn’t see myself. She fought for our family. So hard. She drove down from Reno to our home in Minden because she truly cared for our family and took us on as her main focus. She arranged for family therapy, which included my whole family. Myself, Jeff, Annistyn, Brek, Ellie and my parents. Nobody was giving up. We needed our family back. I’m in a place now where I can reflect. I can see my mom and dad’s tears through that time and now realize they were giant raindrops of emotion and love that needed to be let out. Last night I witnessed an incredible sunset over the mountains that filled the sky with cotton candy clouds. I can see the future and I’m here, and actually present with my family. I’m excited about new adventures. I can have my own thoughts. I can dream. I can write again and feel emotions that make me happy and bring me complete joy. I can be creative again and imagine the future’s potential. We had an incredible summer full of camping in our completed travel trailer, Sugarbird. We spent time with our Nebraska family and soaked in the sun. We watched Annistyn learn to ride her bike without training wheels. Ellie learned to talk and Brek grew 4 inches. My children got their mama back and Jeff got his wife back. He fought so hard. Harder than a lot of men would and could. He never gave up on me. He followed through with the promise we made to each other on that warm August day 9 years ago. The support and love I have from my people is irreplaceable. I have an even brighter outlook on life, the journey, and the future of adventure. I don’t think any of us go through an experience like this for nothing. I believe my experience landed me right where I need to be and has pushed me to dream even bigger. To take risks and go for it. It’s allowed me to be vulnerable and connect with other moms and people that have gone through or are going through similar challenges in their own lives. There is a Buddhist saying, “your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” It’s hanging up in sweet Ellie’s room and I read it daily as we turn out the lights before bedtime. This life and world is a beautiful and crazy place. We should put an end to the stigma of struggles and make more of an effort to see the potential they have for growth and forward thinking.
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